


so, tell me you’ll come home

by cottagecorecas



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Cas is sad and not so subtly gay for dean, Dean's Prayers, Lots of cas not feeling like he deserves dean/to be on earth, M/M, Pining, Pre-Slash, Purgatory, S8 Purgatory, benny and cas interaction, brief mention of john winchester being a shitty dad, mentions of death just to be on the safe side, purgatory angst, purgatory prayers, sasstiel at one point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:20:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25262230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cottagecorecas/pseuds/cottagecorecas
Summary: Castiel had dedicated his life to protecting the humans in his charge, and he used to think he was good at it. That was before he realised that Dean had done a better job at protecting humankind than Castiel ever had. So, when they find themselves in Purgatory, Castiel decides he's finally going to keep his promise to redeem himself to Dean, and protect him from the very things he'd fought tirelessly to save Earth from. Castiel was an angel after all, and it was an angel’s job to protect man.Castiel tries not to focus on the fact that he only cares about protecting one man, and that, unlike every other soldier of Heaven, he is willing to give up his own life to do so.Castiel is going to get Dean home, even if it kills him.
Relationships: Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Benny Lafitte, Castiel & Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 85





	so, tell me you’ll come home

**Author's Note:**

> just a few things:  
> \- apart from the headcanon (see notes at the end), i've tried to stay as true to canon as i can remember. even cw spn forget about half the stuff in the show though, so if there are errors, blame them <3 - this fic should be canon-compliant though.  
> \- there is an actual scene from one of the s8 episodes in this fic. i felt it was important to include, and i tried to make it as much my own as i could. wanted to mention that here just in case that's not something you're into.  
> \- ilomilo is THE purgatory!deancas anthem like ohmygod did dean ghostwrite that song for billie in between killing monsters and searching for cas or?? i hope he gets royalties.
> 
> special shoutout to everyone that tried to convince me my writing was good. it didn't work, but i fwu for trying <3
> 
> anyway, this fic is dedicated to maggie.  
> this mess would be nothing but a draft in my documents folder (maybe where it should have stayed) if it wasn't for your encouragement. i hope it's good enough for you dude <3

Castiel feels the leviathans closing in and tries to think of his next move. Over and over, two words repeat in his head: _protect Dean_.

They’re still far enough away that Castiel could lead them elsewhere. He could get them away from Dean. They’re sensing his grace, and after years of being sealed away by God and forced to prey upon each other whilst the angels stayed in Heaven, any leviathan would relish ripping Castiel to shreds. But without hunger, humans are worthless to them in here, and so if Castiel left, they would follow him, and Dean would only have to handle the regular monsters. If Castiel left, Dean would be safe.

Castiel knows what he has to do, but something occurs to him, and it turns the taste in his mouth sour. Dean will think he ran away. After everything, all of his sacrifice and all of his trust, Dean would think that Castiel had left him there to die. The thought alone is enough to make Castiel’s chest tight.

He would only be putting Dean at risk if he stays though. There were too many monsters altogether, and whilst Dean might be an exceptional hunter, Castiel thinks maybe one of the greatest Earth had ever had, he’d be overrun with this many at once. Even with his help, if Castiel stayed, Dean would most certainly be dead.

The only thing worse than Dean believing Castiel had left him, was Dean’s lifeless body on the dirty ground, his skin, usually warm and pink, now stone cold and sullen, eternally lost amongst the never-ending trees of this forest, and the longer Castiel stands there, those leviathans edging ever closer, the more likely of a reality that became.

He could live with Dean believing he was a coward. It would hurt, but if it kept Dean safe – if it kept him alive – he could live with it. He’d be okay.

When Dean turns his back, Castiel takes one last look at the man he owed everything, and then he is gone.

…

With the certainty of the sun rising each morning on Earth, Dean’s prays to Castiel every night.

[PRAYER 1]

 _Cas?_ _Cas,_ _I don’t know if you can hear this, or if this works here…_

_Look, I don’t know where you are right now. I barely escaped whatever those things were._

_I turned around for a second and when I looked back you were just…gone. I didn’t see what took you, or where._

_I know you’re okay though. You’ve come back from worse than this._

_I’m gonna’ find you, okay?_

_I’ve gotta’ believe you’re hearing this, so listen up. When I find you, I’m gonna get us out of here. There has to be a way. There always is._

[PRAYER 4]

_Cas? It’s me. I hope you’re getting these._

_It’s been days now and…nothing. You gotta’ let me know you’re okay, man. I know you can handle yourself, okay, but this isn’t like you._

_You weren’t all there before we got here and-_

_No. I can’t go down that rabbit hole. Not here._

_I know what you said, about us getting out of here, but Sam will be looking for us. I know he will. He’s always been the smart one, so if we can’t find a way ourselves I’ll bet he’ll have us out of here in no time._

_We’ll be okay, Cas. I’m gonna’ find you._

_Give me a sign or something, pal._

[PRAYER 12]

_Cas, I’m asking again. Where the hell are you, man?_

_Maybe you think I’m mad that we’re here or something, but if you’re avoiding me because of that – I don’t care, okay? You came through when it mattered most, and this is just something else that we have to deal with. So, in my book, we’re good._

_If it’s not that, then what?_

[PRAYER 13]

_Cas, if you’re hearing these and ignoring me, you’re a dick. And I’ll never forgive you._

_Do you hear me, Castiel? If I find out that you let me think you might be…_

_I will **never** forgive you._

_I’ll get you out of here, but then we’ll be done._

[PRAYER 14]

_Cas._

_Look, you know I hate begging, but I need y-._

_I need to know you’re okay._

_I mean it, Cas. Maybe you don’t know it, maybe you don’t care, but I just work better with you._

_Quit being an idiot and tell me you’re okay._

_Please._

[PRAYER 27]

_Cas._

_I know I said some awful things when we were topside. I know I yelled, and I know I said no one cares that you were…broken, or whatever. God. But I was wrong, okay?. I do care, Cas. I care a lot. So, if you’re punishing me, you really don’t need to. I feel like crap about it. Every day I feel like crap about it._

_I know it’s wasn’t your fault. You were just trying to help. And all I did was yell._

_Don’t be scared of me. Please, God, don’t be scared of me, Cas._

_I just wanna’ know you’re okay._

…

There have been thirty-two prayers since Castiel left Dean. That day he discovers the stream.

He listens to the trickling of the water as it sweeps over the rocks, its flow slow and calm, and closes his eyes. Taking in a deep breath, he lets himself imagine that he’s back on Earth.

There, the light makes the top of the water glimmer, and it becomes mottled as it threads the gaps of an acacia tree, the branches of which are dotted with little round petals, a yellow only found in watercolour paintings. As his gaze moves over the scene, he’s particularly drawn to a hyacinth bush in the centre, it’s petals electrically purple against the sparkling stream behind it. He wants to take in every detail, but he’s aware he only has so long before he needs to move again, so he flicks his eyes across the imaginary garden and, with birdsong and the rippling of the water, he takes one last look. He absorbs the soft orange and white of the tulips that freckle the ground, and takes note of the way they bend towards the sun, and then Castiel is reminded of the blush of Dean’s cheeks in a patch of red gardenias, and his eyes in the lush grass, and that sharp line of his jaw in the rocks that poke up from underneath the water.

When he opens his eyes again, he’s jarred back to reality. The stream doesn’t sparkle here, and there is no yellow acacia tree, or hyacinth bush or tulips in amongst the dazzlingly green grass. There is only the grey sky and the muddy ground and that oppressive, stagnant air. Earth, humanity, and Dean – they don’t belong here. This is where monsters live.

Castiel returns to that stream often. There’s always a wave of guilt that rises from deep within his gut, whenever he does. When his eyes are closed though, he can push down that overfamiliar sensation just long enough to feel like his old self. As long as he’s still in Purgatory, he’s allowed to remember the things he fell for on Earth. That was the closest to home he’d ever feel again.

…

[PRAYER 98]

_Cas, I don’t know why I haven’t found you yet. I mean, how big can purgatory be?_

_Maybe one of your angel pals busted you out and left me here to rot – God knows I’m not Heaven’s favourite person right now. I don’t think you’d leave me here though._

_All I know is, we’ve only got each other in this godforsaken place, Cas. So, if you’re here and you can hear me, you gotta’ let me know where you are. That you’re okay._

_We might be stuck here, but this place doesn’t stand a chance against you and me._

_Keep yourself safe, okay buddy? I‘ll let you know where I end up tomorrow._

_Oh, and if you are up top, please, just do one thing for me. Look out for Sammy._

…

Castiel assumes Dean is looking for him because he doesn’t know how to leave, and he knows that Castiel does. He couldn’t tell him himself. The threat of the leviathans was too risky, but if it were the last good thing Castiel could do for the man that had given him everything, he’d find some way to get him out of here. He just needs to find the right person to do it.

…

[PRAYER 121]

_Okay, Cas, I know you’re not getting these, because you aren’t here again, and if I know you – and I do know you, Cas – you wouldn’t be ignoring me. Even if it were just to tell me to stop bothering you, you’d have found me if you could. You’d have left a sign._

_So, I guess prayers don’t work here._

_I think I’ve known that for a while now._

_Well even if you can’t hear me, it makes me feel better – like I’m not alone. Like we’re just hanging out topside and not trapped in this…nightmare-land._

_It’s stupid. I must be crazy. But I don’t care. You might find a way to make prayers work here, so I’ve got to keep it up, right?_

_If there’s even a chance you might hear me, I’ve got to keep it up._

_We’ve just gotta’ hold out a little longer, Cas. We’ll find each other. We always do._

_I miss you, man._

…

It’s been months now, and Castiel still hasn’t found anyone he trusts enough with the task.

If he makes one wrong call, makes one wrong move, Dean could die, and it would be Castiel’s fault. He let the leviathans out. He was the reason Dean was in Purgatory in the first place. If he caused Dean’s death too, Castiel thinks even Purgatory might be too good for him.

…

[PRAYER 145]

_Cas, I’ve been trying to picture you here when I do this, so I don’t feel like I’m going crazy._

_If you were here I think you’d ask how I was doing, so I’m just gonna lay it all out. I’m not doing great. To be honest, I’m so far from great-_

_I’m- I’m scared, Cas. Not knowing if Sam’s okay – if he’s killing himself trying to find us, if he needs help with some other crap that’s happening topside. And it’s been so long now. Does time move differently here, like it does in Hell? I keep thinking about what I might have I missed, and if he’s..._

_And then there’s you. I don’t know if you’re alive. If you’re okay. If you’re even all there._

_It’s- I think it’s messing me up. I think- I think this place is turning me into someone I don’t want to be, Cas._

_If I just focus on finding you, then I don’t have to think about that._

_I know you can’t hear me, but you keep yourself alive, capeesh? I’ll be there soon._

…

After the one hundredth tree he’d passed that day, and maybe the millionth he’d passed since being here, Castiel is stopped in his tracks when something catches his attention. The tiniest trace of humanity. It was something he hadn’t felt since arriving in Purgatory, and how it is glorious.

It couldn’t have been Dean’s. The warding on his ribs still keeps his hidden from Castiel, and there isn’t enough of it anyway. Castiel hadn’t been able to actually see Dean’s humanity for years now, but even after seven months in Purgatory, he knew that there would be far more than this. Whoever’s this is had been here much, much longer.

His eyes flit to the source and land on a man with a stocky build, the fabric of his black jacket fitting snuggly over his shoulders as he leans over and sharpens his makeshift blade. A vampire.

This is it. This is his shot. Castiel knew it isn’t polite to do what he is about to, but he doesn’t have time to care. The leviathans would find him again soon. They couldn’t have been far behind him. This is his only shot, and he needs to take it now.

Castiel clears his throat, trying to make sure his voice comes out low and intimidating, and not just hoarse from months upon months of disuse.

“Benjamin Lafitte?”

The vampire stiffens. A moment passes, and then he straightens up, drops the rock he was using to sharpen his blade, and slowly turns his head, weapon at the ready. “Do I know you?” His voice is low and smooth. He sounds unphased, but Castiel senses how his heartbeat increases knows otherwise.

Castiel isn’t sure why the vampire has humanity left, but considering his affliction, he takes an educated guess and asks, “Is it true that you don’t feed on humans?”

“Who the Hel-“

Castiel steps forward. “Is it true?” He keeps his voice slow and stern, and makes a point to emphasise every word. Castiel may have fallen from Heaven, but he still remembers how to be a soldier when he needs to.

The vampire’s expression is something like disbelief and confusion. There’s a pause, and then he finally answers. “It’s true. What kinda’ monster are you then?”

“There’s no time. You need to do something for me.”

The vampire’s lips curve up, exposing his teeth. He chuckles. “Oh, I do, do I?”

“There’s someone here. Someone important. And you need to help him leave.”

The vampire fully laughs now and Castiel feels like his skin is searing. When he sees the expression on Castiel’s face, the vampire realises he is being serious and says, “Well I’m sorry to break it to you. We’re stuck here forever, pal. Ain’t no way to leave.”

There is heat on his neck, and Castiel wants to tell the vampire not to call him “pal”. They weren’t “pals”. They wouldn’t ever be “pals”. That term is already reserved for someone else.

Unfortunately, Castiel needs him, and he’d already spent too much time in one place, so instead he says, “There’s a way if you’re human. God made it so. So-“

“Wait a minute, wait a minute,” the vampire interrupts, sudden realisation spreading on that already insufferably smug face, “You must be that angel I’ve been hearing about.” He lets out another laugh. “Well shit. You do exist.”

The frustration is unbearable now, and Castiel is starting to understand why humans used the term “blood boiling” when describing anger. It's an uncomfortable feeling, a human experience he definitely doesn’t enjoy. “It doesn’t matter what I am. Dea- _the human_ needs to leave here, and you need to help him do it.”

“Okay, okay. Tell me, angel, why should I risk my life to save this human of yours?”

Castiel can’t help himself. “If you hadn’t noticed, you’re already dead. You wouldn’t exactly be losing a life. And I assume you don’t enjoy being here – that spending forever where you’re perpetually preyed upon isn’t something you want?” The vampire’s smug face falls a little, and he raises an eyebrow. “If you help the human, he’ll take you with him to Earth.”

“But you just said it was for humans. In case you hadn’t noticed, I ain’t human.”

“There’s a spell. It’s basic. The won’t be a problem getting you out.” Castiel doesn’t know this to be true, but the vampire doesn’t need to know that.

There’s a pause. The vampire is calculating his options. “And how do I know that he won’t kill me as soon as I find him, or once he’s at the – what is it a door?”

“It’s more like a portal,” Castiel corrects, “and he’s a good man. The best I’ve ever known. If you make a deal – ask him to take you with him in exchange for the location – he won’t break his word.” Castiel resents how his voice becomes a little too sombre on that last part.

“Right. But see, there’s just one tiny detail I’m not getting. If you’re so in love with this human, why don’t you tell him yourself? It’d be a hell of a lot easier than this half-baked, convoluted plan you’ve cooked up.”

For the first time since talking to the vampire, Castiel looks away.

Is it really that obvious?

Hoping that his beard and the dirt on his face hides the blush he feels burning his cheeks, he tries not to focus on the truth of the vampire’s words. He doesn’t have time for that now. Taking a deep breath, he gathers himself and finds the vampire’s eyes again. He keeps his own hard and cold, and says “He can’t know that I told you.”

“And why’s that?”

There is that smug look again, and Castiel couldn’t help but let the ever-building frustration seep into his words when he bites out, “If he knows I’m alive, he won’t leave. So, I think it’s in your best interest that he doesn’t know we had this conversation. Don’t you?”

Castiel sees how that wipes the expression off the vampire’s face, leaving only the faintest of smirks, and he feels the corners of his own mouth twist up a little.

The vampire stares at Castiel. After a moment, he cocks his head, his eyes slightly squinted, and says, “Okay, angel. I’ll play along. Like you said, I ain’t got nothin’ to lose now have I?”

Finally. Dean is going home. Castiel lets the relief wash over him.

He closes the gap between them. “Here’s the spell”, he says, and lets two fingers hover just in front of the vampire’s forehead, using whatever grace he could spare to transfer him the spell and the area where Dean had last told Castiel he was. Once it’s done, Castiel steps back again. “If you follow that direction”, he gestures to a point just ahead of them, “and keep going that way you’ll find him soon enough. He takes breaks to pray, so you’ll be able to catch up.”

Before the vampire can say anything else, Castiel catches his eye again. He keeps his voice low and slow. “If anything happens to him – if you even think about harming him, I will know. And so help me, I will hunt you down, and it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”

Castiel has never meant anything more in his entire life.

…

[PRAYER 205]

_Hey, Cas._

_I think there’s a way out. This guy, Benny, thinks he knows a way. He’s a bloodsucker – uh, it’s a long story – so he could be lying. But if it turns out to be legit we can finally get out of here, Cas. I’ve just gotta’ find you._

_Benny says that if you wanted to be found, you would’ve been. But what does he know?_ _He doesn’t know you like I do._

_You keep yourself alive. You hear me?_

_We’ll be home soon._

The nausea that follows Dean’s prayer is almost overwhelming, and Castiel is suddenly very aware of how dirty he feels, his skin itching under the endless layers of grime that had made a home there.

He bends down in front of the stream and tries to scrub his hands clean.

Doesn’t Dean understand? Castiel had destroyed Heaven. He’d massacred his own brothers and sisters. He’d abandoned those that had fought alongside him, leaving them helpless and directionless and afraid. On Earth, hundreds of innocent lives were lost when he’d played God and failed, and because of his arrogance, and his unfounded pride, the entirety of mankind, God’s greatest creation, was put at risk too. Even worse, he’d left Sam and Dean to deal with it whilst he played house, as Dean would say, with Daphne, who he’d also abandoned. Perhaps the most unforgivable, Bobby Singer was killed trying to fix the damage Castiel had caused. Castiel had indirectly killed the only family Sam and Dean had left.

Heaven, almost all of humanity, and a good man, wiped out because of the stupidity of one arrogant, fallen angel.

It seems as though Dean still hasn’t made the connection between Bobby’s death and Castiel’s failings. As much as Castiel thinks he should, he’s glad of it. He knows he’s weak, but he can’t help but cling to that last shred of faith Dean has in him. He’d hold on to it for as long as he could because soon it would be gone, and then Castiel would be nothing more than Dean Winchester’s biggest regret. Because then he would be nothing.

 _We’ll be home soon._ The words ring in his ears. Castiel moves his hands through the water again and again, but it’s useless. He knows this blood could never be washed clean. He is a monster, and if he’d learned anything from Dean, it was that monsters need to be hunted. Here, he’d be hunted by leviathans until the end of time. Castiel knows there is no better place for him.

He’d left Heaven. He’d left his brothers and sisters. He’d left Sam and he’d left Dean. Castiel isn’t leaving this time. He just has to make sure that Dean doesn’t find him. With Benny relying on him, Dean will come to his senses eventually.

Soon enough, they’ll both be where they should be. Monsters belonged in Purgatory. Dean was no monster.

…

[PRAYER 278]

_Cas, I think I’ve got a lead on where you are. I don’t know if it’s legit, but it’s the only lead I’ve got. And if I’m good at anything it’s chasing a crappy leads._

_God, I hope it’s real. Cause’ I could really use a friendly face right about now._

_Benny must think I’m crazy, praying to you every night. Hell, I feel crazy. But if there’s even a chance you could hear me, I’ve gotta’ keep this up._

_I just hope you know you’re not alone, Cas. Wherever you are. Whatever you’re doing. You’ve always got me, okay?_

_I’m not giving up on you._

…

[PRAYER 309]

_Hey, Cas._

_Sorry I’m praying again tonight. I-uh, I need some company._

_Not sleeping…I think it’s driving me crazy. I didn’t get much of it up top, but I think it was the only thing that kept me sane. I don’t know how you do it, Cas._

The truth is, Castiel doesn’t know any different. He remembers seeing how Dean felt when he was asleep. He’d passed out at Bobby’s after a hunt, and it was one of the few times Castiel had seen him at peace, unburdened by that crushing guilt and pain he always carried with him. Even though he knows it’s still there, Castiel is glad he doesn’t have to see it anymore.

_I’ve been thinking, when we get out of here, the first thing I’m gonna’ do – well after I find Sammy – is sleep. I never thought I’d miss getting four hours in a crappy motel bed, but right now it’s all I can think about. Hell, I’d take the carpet at this point. And after that, I’m gonna’ drive my Baby – blast some Zeppelin and let her go on the open road._

_I miss music. It’s too quiet here – y’know, in between being hunted and ganking monsters twenty four seven – there’s too much time to think, and that’s the last thing I need to be doing._

Now this, Castiel can understand. Every spare moment Castiel has, he’s somehow reminded of everything he desperately wishes he could forget. Even now, his stomach is twisting, and there’s an acrid burn in his throat as he comes to the familiar realisation that it’s all his fault.

_This is usually the time I’d have a drink. What I would do for a shot of whiskey. Or twelve._

There's a pause, and Castiel wonders if Dean had ended the prayer there. Maybe, after all these months, he is tired of thinking of things to say. Conversations work both ways after all, and Castiel thinks that even Dean, the most determined man he’d ever set his eyes on, could only go so long before it started to take its toll. There’s only so many pieces of Dean left, and soon he’d have nothing left.

Without Dean’s voice, Castiel’s surroundings felt much colder. The trees on the edge of the clearing seemed to inch closer, and Castiel looked into the darkness of the forest ahead of him, willing Dean to find something else to say.

_When I was younger, before I could drink, and I couldn’t sleep because Dad and Sam had a fight, or he kicked me out or…whatever, I used to watch the stars. See what shapes I could make. Sometimes I’d just count them, for hours. I know it sounds dumb, but no matter where Dad dragged us there was always a sky. And it used to make me feel calm. Like everything was gonna work itself out. Like if the universe could happen, then whatever I was worrying about would work itself out too._

_I’ve never told anyone that. I think you’d get it though._

Just when he thought he knew everything he could know about him, Castiel is surprised again by Dean Winchester. He imagines that freckle-faced boy, lost and afraid and unable to turn to anyone but the stars in the sky for comfort and, as childish as it sounds, Castiel wishes he were the angel that put them there.

_Anyway, I was gonna do it now – count the stars I mean, but I’m looking up and it’s just…empty._

_Figures._

Castiel hears him let out a short, cold laugh, and tries hard not to focus on the selfish part of him that wants to be with Dean. Every instinct is telling Castiel to find him. It would be so easy. A thought and he could be with him. One, tiny thought, and he could tell Dean he missed him too, and that he was sorry and ashamed and everything else that he’d been wanting to say ever since he’d left him all those months ago.

Castiel reminds himself that he can’t afford to be selfish now. Dean’s life is at stake. Dean might be alone, but at least he is alive.

_At least I know you’re awake too. If you’re looking up we can pretend we’re watching it together._

Castiel tilts his head up and his eyes meet the darkness. Dean’s right, and Castiel doesn’t know how he hasn’t noticed before. The sky is vacant of stars, and there’s no moon to drape the top of the trees in a pale silver light, but somehow it doesn’t feel empty like Dean had said. Just knowing that they’re both looking at that same stretch of nothing means that Castiel can’t feel alone – like the sky itself is the deep, endless pupils of Dean’s eyes; the ones that Castiel had always found himself lost in whenever he held his gaze just a little too long. Like Dean is right there, looking back at him. Lost in Dean’s eyes had always been where he felt most at home.

_I don’t think I need stars if you’re looking up, Cas. Just tell me you’re looking up too._

“I’m looking up too, Dean,” Castiel whispers.

There is another pause, and Castiel keeps his gaze on the sky. For the first time since arriving in Purgatory, he feels calm. There are no monsters. There is no guilt. Just Dean and Castiel and that infinite nothing.

When Dean speaks again, his voice is so quiet Castiel barely hears.

_Crap. I kinda’ hope you can’t hear me now._

Then Castiel hears Dean clear his throat, and he looks down and smiles. It’s the first time he’s smiled in a while.

_Uh, anyway…What are you gonna’ do when we leave here? If prayers don’t work here, then maybe your wings aren’t working either. Bet you’ll be flying everywhere when we get out. Although, no offense, I mean I know it must be pretty cool to have wings, but there is nothing better than feeling Baby go on an empty highway. Maybe you could come on that drive with me._

_Yeah, that sounds so good – just you, me, Baby, and the road._ _I’ve been meaning to show you all my music. And when you love Led Zeppelin as much as I know you will, you can back me up when Sam complains that he’s already heard Travelling Riverside Blues way too many times._

_I have to warn you though, we’ll have to stop being friends if you don’t like it though._

Castiel feels his mouth pull into a smile again. He’s sure Dean is joking, but then, only Sam and his Impala are more important to Dean than his tape collection. There is always a chance he’s serious. Castiel doesn’t bother worrying about it though; he’d never get to know whether he likes Dean’s favourite songs anyway.

_Yeah. Okay, I’ll start making a list of all the songs I want you to listen to when we’re out of here. That should keep me busy for a while. Oh, and Cas, don’t get yourself killed, okay?_

The last of the light fades with Dean’s words, and Castiel is left with that familiar oppressive silence. He feels the trees start to close in again, ands looks back up at the sky. He isn’t alone.

“You too, Dean.”

…

Castiel crouches down, and before he can scoop up a handful of water, he catches a glimpse of his reflection. The face staring back is caked in dirt, and the skin under the eyes is sunken and dark. The person he’s looking at looks old and tired and nothing like Jimmy Novak. Is this what Castiel making a home in his skin looked like? He tries not to think about it.

He splashes his face with the water, and as he looks out over the stream he realises that he’d never felt as tired as he does in that moment. His bones ache, his eyes stung, and he wasn’t sure if he could even muster the energy to stand up again. It's an uncomfortable feeling – one he isn’t used to.

Is this how Dean feels? If so, Castiel would have to add it to the list of things about Dean Winchester than left him in awe.

“Cas?” It’s a voice Castiel would recognise anywhere.

He had to process for a moment that it isn’t a prayer. It isn’t muffled, or echoed, or painfully distant. It’s Dean. Dean’s real voice, warm and raspy and everything Castiel had been wanting to hear since he’d left him all those months ago. Castiel doesn’t think any song that Dean could make him listen to, even his favourite, would ever compare to the way his name sounded on those lips.

Home.

It’s not long before the dread hits, and for the first time in his life Castiel feels sick to his stomach.

He hears “Dean,“ spills out of his mouth. Dean’s found him. Dean is here.

His eyes move across the stream as he straightens up. He can’t feel any leviathan. He checks again.

Castiel knows that he should be leaving. Dean might have seen him, but it isn’t too late. All he has to do is think of somewhere else, and Dean would be back to the beginning. Maybe he’d give up if he saw Castiel leave him again.

Castiel knows he should go, but all he can focus on is how badly he wants to stay.

He stands there and watches as Dean passes through the edge of the trees. His eyes dropped up and down, almost to check if Castiel is real. Castiel doesn’t feel real. If it wasn’t for the fact that Dean is barely recognisable, Castiel might have thought his eyes were still closed, and he is still daydreaming.

Then Dean laughs, and Castiel knows this is real. Nothing Castiel could imagine would ever fill him with so much joy.

Dean wraps his arms around him, and pulls him in tight. This is definitely real. Dean slaps just above his shoulder blade. Castiel doesn’t let himself hug back.

“Damn it’s good to see you,” Dean says, and then he moves his hand from Castiel’s shoulder to his face, and strokes a finger on his cheek. “Nice peach fuzz.”

Castiel wants to say that the whole point of it was to disguise himself – to make sure this never happened, and that Dean never saw him again – but there’s that lingering feeling of Dean’s touch, so gentle and soft that Castiel has to look away for a moment, and all he can manage is “Thank you.”

This isn’t good. This isn’t how this is supposed to go.

“Want you to meet somebody. This is Benny,” Dean gestures his blade at the vampire. The vampire looks away. “Benny, this is Cas.”

Eventually, he looks back again, and he and Castiel catch eyes. They share a look, and the vampire must know what Castiel is thinking, but all he says is, “Hola.”

Castiel wants to hit him. Instead he looks back to Dean. “How did you find me?”

Dean stares at him for a moment before he says, “The bloody way.”

So, it was the monster after all. Of course. Castiel knew he should have killed it when he'd seen it lurking behind a tree a few weeks back. He should have known that his humanity would be his undoing.

Dean continues, “You feeling okay?”

Now Castiel wants to hit Dean too. Of course he isn’t feeling okay. He’d spent the last few months a walking target in the land of ancient monsters, away from the only person he had left, the only place ever worth calling home, and he’d done it all to keep that person safe. Now that same person, the most stubborn idiot Castiel has ever known, is right there in front of him, risking his life again and making Castiel’s work practically worthless. To be honest, Castiel had never felt less okay.

He knows what Dean is getting at though, so Castiel doesn’t say any of that. Instead, he replies, “What? You mean am I still-“ and gestures that he has a screw loose.

“Yeah, if you want to be on the nose about it, sure,” Dean half-chuckles.

“No, I’m perfectly sane.” His eyes are darting from point to point around where they stood. He can’t feel the leviathan, but he’d already been at this stream too long, and Dean is here now. He doesn’t feel sane. “But then, ninety-four percent of psychotics think they’re perfectly sane, so I guess we’d have to ask ourselves what is ‘sane’?”

Dean nods his head, and Castiel can see how his face has fallen since he’d first seen him. He’s disappointed. Castiel had been expecting that look. “That’s a good question.”

Castiel had almost forgotten the vampire is there until he says, “Why’d you bail on Dean?”

“Dude,” Dean is quick to jump to Castiel’s defence. Castiel wishes he weren’t.

The vampire continues. “The way I hear it, you two hit monster land and hotwings here took off. I figure he owes you some backstory.”

“Some freak jumped Cas. Obviously, you kicked its ass, right?”

Castiel’s stomach lurches, and he finds it hard not to look away. He doesn’t understand the blind faith Dean has in him. He doesn’t understand why Dean had prayed every night, and he doesn’t understand why Dean cares, and he doesn’t understand why Dean always tries to see the good in him, when Castiel knows there is no good in him left to find. “No.” He says it so quietly that he almost doesn’t hear himself.

“What?”

“I ran away.”

There’s a pause.

“You ran away?”

Dean’s voice says it all. He’s disappointed and hurt and that slither of faith is disappearing right in front of Castiel's eyes. He knows he shouldn’t, but his automatic response is to defend himself. “I had to.”

“That’s your excuse for leaving me with those gorilla-wolves?”

“Dean,” Castiel pleads.

“You bailed out, and what? Went camping? I prayed to you, Cas. Every night.”

Castiel can’t look him in the eye. “I know.”

“You know and you didn’t-“ Dean’s stance visibly stiffens. His jaw tightens. Castiel knows that expression. Dean’s closing himself off. He’s pulling way. “The hell’s wrong with you?”

Castiel can’t help but defend himself. He needs Dean to understand, even though he knows he shouldn’t. “I am an angel in the land of abominations. There have been things hunting me from the moment we arrived.”

“Join the club!”

“These are not just monsters, Dean, they’re leviathan. I have a price on my head. And I’ve been trying to stay one step ahead of them to-“ Castiel stops himself. He can’t finish his sentence. If he does, he knows Dean will understand, and he won’t leave him, and Dean needs to leave him. Castiel sees how his expression is all disappointment and anger and he can’t help himself. The words leak from his mouth. “To keep them away from you.” And just like that, everything is ruined. All those months of work gone, all because he's too weak to let Dean be disappointed in him. “That’s why I ran.”

Castiel can’t bear to see how Dean’s expression softens again. Why does he have to look at him like that? He half-turns his body towards the stream and tries to focus on finding the leviathans that were undoubtedly close-by. Dean needs to go. “Just, leave me please.”

Without a pause, there’s Benny’s bitter voice, “Sounds like a plan. Let’s roll.”

“Hold on. Hold on. Cas,” Dean says his name so softly it’s almost painful, “we’re getting out of here. We’re going home.”

Castiel still can’t meet Dean’s eyes.

Heaven. Earth. Bobby. All the reasons he doesn’t deserve a home. “Dean, I can’t.”

“You can. Benny tell him.”

“Purgatory has an escape hatch, but I got no idea if it’s angel friendly.” Castiel doesn’t know if the vampire is covering nicely for them or not. It’s hard to tell with his heart beating so hard against his ribs he can hear it in his eardrums, and his focus involuntarily switching between Dean’s voice and the threat of leviathans.

“Hey, we’ll figure it out. Cas, buddy, I need you.”

Those three damned words, like Dean knew exactly what to do to rip Castiel’s heart out. Dean never admitted that he needed anything from anyone. How is Castiel supposed to deny him now?

“Dean.”

“And if leviathan wanna’ take a shot at us” he pulls a face like is the most casual thing in the world, “let ‘em. We ganked those bitches once before we can do it again.”

“It’s too dangerous.”

“Let me bottom line it for you. I’m not leaving here without you. Understand?”

It finally dawns on Castiel that it isn’t that Dean needed to know how to leave Purgatory; Dean thinks it’s his responsibility to get Castiel out.

“I understand.”

Just like that, Castiel knew what he had to do.

…

“I’m gonna’ check the perimeter. Why don’t you guys rest up? We’ll need to move again soon.”

Castiel goes to stand up. “Dean, I can go.”

Dean scoffs. “What? So, you can run off again? Yeah. Good one, Cas.”

“Dean,” Castiel sighs.

“No, Cas. No way.” Dean’s eyes are serious, his brow furrowed and his jaw tight. Castiel knows that look well. It’s the same one he gives to Sam when he’s being particularly self-sacrificial.

“I’m not going to run-“

“Benny, keep an eye on him while I’m gone.” Dean keeps his gaze fixed on Castiel until he’s finished speaking, and then for a moment longer, before he moves it to the vampire. The vampire nods, and Dean turns away, heading for the trees. Before he gets too far he lets out an, “Oh,” and turns back, giving them both a warning look, “and don’t kill each other. You got it?”

Castiel and the vampire both stay silent. Dean just stands there. He’s waiting for a response. After an awkward silence they both groan a reluctant “Yes.”

Satisfied, Dean turns around again and disappears into the darkness.

This is the first time he and the vampire have been alone together, and the Purgatory air felt particularly thick in that moment.

“Thank you,” Castiel starts, “For saving me earlier.”

“No need to thank me. I did it for Dean. He’s my ticket out of here after all.”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say. He thinks about telling him his plan, just for something to say, but then he decides against it. For it to definitely work, Castiel needs to keep it to himself. It’s the only way he can guarantee that nothing goes wrong.

“I tried to stop him,” the vampire finally says. He shakes his head, a crease between his brows and a small smile on his face. “I tried and tried to convince him to leave without you. He wouldn’t budge. He’s a stubborn one I’ll tell you that.”

“Yes, he is,” Castiel sighs, and they exchange a glance. Unlike all the times before, it’s not an awkward glance they share, but a knowing one. It seems Dean makes a lasting impression on almost everyone, even monsters. Castiel thinks that Benny might not be as bad as he first thought.

“He really cares about you, y’know.“ Benny looks sincere now, and he’s holding Castiel’s gaze. “God knows why,” he continues, a smirk on his face, “but he does.”

Castiel looks away again.

“Look, I don’t know why you wanna’ stay here. I guess you got your reasons. But you got a real good friend there. It’d be a shame to lose him. That’s all I’m sayin’.

He knows that Benny is right. It would be more than a shame. It would be devastating. That still doesn’t mean that Castiel deserves to have a friend like Dean.

…

They’re walking for what seems like the hundredth day in a row, and Castiel catches Dean staring at him for the third time in five minutes.

“What is it?”

“I just still can’t believe you’re here, man,” Dean says, and he shakes his head a little in disbelief.

Castiel doesn’t say anything.

“You sure you’re okay? You’ve been…quiet…since we found you.”

“I’m fine, “ he replies, a little too quickly. It's a response he’d watched Dean use a hundred times before when he didn’t want to talk about something, so naturally it doesn’t work, and Dean tries to catch his eyes. Castiel is focused on trying to sense any leviathans. They couldn’t be too far away. He has to make sure he notices them. He’s with Dean now. He can’t let his focus slip.

“Hey, Cas. Look at me for a second would you?” Dean slows down, and pulls Castiel back. Benny looks over his shoulder and slows his pace a little, but stays a few feet ahead. “I know you thought you were doing the right thing. I’m not mad, Cas. Okay? Hell, I’m grateful. If these past couple of days are anything to go by, you’ve made my time here much easier than it should have been, and it hasn’t been easy.”

Castiel is silent. He’s sure he can sense something in the far corner, behind that tree.

Dean pats his shoulder and tilts his head to meet Castiel’s gaze. “Seriously Cas, thank you.” He looks into those eyes, and Castiel can only hold Dean’s gaze for so long before that guilt starts to eat at him again. It takes hold of his throat and makes it hard for him to swallow, and he wants to say something, but he’s sure the words would come out choked.

“I’m still not letting you out of my sight though.”

…

He lets go of Dean’s hand, and watches him disappear in the blue light.

He’d done it. He’d finally done it. It had taken him a year, but Dean is finally home.

…

Castiel hasn’t heard a prayer in fifty-nine days.

He sits on his knees, his hands intertwined and resting on his lap. He’s looking over the stream again, but the sound of the trickling water is muffled by the memory of Dean calling Cas’ name, and laughing as he pulled him in tight, and when he closes his eyes this time, he doesn’t see a garden. Instead, he imagines that drive Dean wanted him to go on.

Dean, behind the wheel of Baby, the background a bright blue sky, free of clouds, and an infinite stretch of searing tarmac. Dean’s favourite song comes on the stereo, and he turns the volume dial the whole way around. Castiel watches him sing along to every word, a huge grin on his face, the kind of smile goofy enough to make the corner of his eyes crinkle. With one arm out the open window, Dean is drumming to the beat on the warm metal roof, the hand he’s using to keep the wheel steady tapping along too. Those brilliant green eyes sparkle in the sun, and the flecks of gold in them match the freckles across the bridge of his nose and the bronzed skin of his cheeks.

The image is so perfect that Castiel almost forgets where he is, but when he opens his eyes, he’s jarred back to reality.

Castiel stays like that, waiting for the last of the light to disappear. When he looks up at that pitch black sky, he finds that Dean’s eyes aren’t there to greet him this time, and it dawns on him that, for the first time, Castiel is completely and utterly alone. He feels every last bit of it.

What he’d give to be with Dean on that sunny afternoon. If he belonged there, that’s where he’d be.

**Author's Note:**

> the headcanon used in this fic is something my brain put together at 3am. i haven't seen it anywhere before, but i'm sure other people have come up with it. i just thought it was interesting. anyway thank you for using your time to read something i wrote :) means a lot x


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